A new lease of life you have given me, that I may walk in your ways knowing that I have already gotten the victory in life.

Lord I know that by your blood, I am no longer bound to my past. I know that your love is so great that I can't help but to forgive those who has hurt or have attempted to hurt me. What would you do if you were in my position?

Everything is meaningless, the running of marathons, the agony of studying, the mastery of a new language, the initiation of a relationship, the accumulation of accolades, the conquering of one's fear and the amassing of wealth. It all seems purposeless and mundane, the constant chasing of things that will not last. Until I heard the greater calling from God that I finally understood the meaning of these pursuits. That all these are but tools used to glory Him and to proclaim His name high. The blood shed, the tear flowed, the fear expelled, the courage mustered drew me closer to God. That I am able to come close to him once again and declare that He is my father.

I have tried, cried and struggled but yet there seems to be no remedy. Everything seems impossible right now but I believe that God you are stil in control. Even if the whole world rejects me, I know that my God is still worthy to be praised.

Maybe I'm not that strong after all.

If only my heart was devoid of feelings, perhaps it wouldn't hurt this bad, not at all.

It hurts to love someone when we can't tell them what we really feel...because sometimes we get hurt without them knowing. We get jealous even if we have no right to feel that way. We want their time even if we are not in the position to demand for it. Although our hearts are breaking in silence, we still continue to love them because somehow in this hurtful love there is still hope of having simple moments with them even if it means being just a friend. ..

A struggle that I have to go through alone. Everything seems bleak, hope seems forlorn. You said that you will take this yoke away from me for this is too much for me to endure. You said that you will never leave nor forsake me but why am I left doubting your existence. Job said, when you have tested me, I shall shine forth as gold. Am I able to shine forth as gold too?

I know that the day will eventually come but it is just not today.

Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one's life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down. Perhaps it crept to one's side like an old friend through quiet ways. Perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music. Perhaps...perhaps...love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.

What truly makes me happy is to see the smile of my loved ones, especially you.

I'm so tired of being a shadow next to you. To be present and yet not present at the same time. After I'm done with my responsibilities, it will be time to move on. Perhaps I should put an end to everything as well.

The saddest thing in life is having no one to turn to when you are feeling down and having to suppress those feelings so that you will not be a burden to anyone.

He heals the brokenhearted
And binds their wounds.
Psalm 147:3

If the grief that I suffer now is great, imagine the grief that God has endured when He saw His only beloved son being cruxified on the cross. There's simply no comparison. God you win hands down.

Remembering someone is easy but forgetting someone is difficult. Are you really testing me Lord? Taking away the things that matter the most to me in a mere 2 days. After thinking it through, I realized that God you are all I need. No matter where I flee and hide, your love still continues to enamour me. Perhaps this is the ideal 20th birthday gift that I need. To be able to maintain my composure in the face of adversities and continue trusting in you. I shall not be swayed by the things of this world because they are but seconds in comparison to eternity installed for me in your presence. Therefore I relish every single moment of hardship that I face if it allows me to draw nearer to you. I have no idea what's going to happen but I'm definitely certain that you will workmfor the good of those who love you! :)

Hear my prayers, O Lord, And let my cry come to you. Do not hide Your face from me in the day of my trouble; Incline your ear to me; In the day that I call, answer me speedily.

I will be still and know you are God.

I feel like giving up! :(

Feeling tormented by sickness day in and night out. Plagued by fever, throbbing headache, persistent cough that looked set to linger for long and a scary sore eye that frightens even the bravest. Even all these illnesses will not hinder my trust that the Lord will deliver me from them all. Sometimes all you need is someone to huh you and tell you that I'll be there for you!

No matter what happens tomorrow, Lord I am going to hold steadfast to your promises.

When you love someone or something, no matter how much it cost or much it takes, it will all seem worthwhile.

If I have the ability to control time, I would make the time spent with you come to a standstill.

Some words if spoken will change the course of history. Should I take the risk now or should I relish the present hoping that one day everything that I have prayed about would come true?

How I wish some people's minds are more discernible. It's difficult to guess a person's emotions correctly since the outward bearing may just be a facade.

Eating out alone may not be that bad after all. Despite the lack of communication with another human being, it is actually a process of self-discovery and period of honing your observation skills. it actually helped me to discover more about myself and how to relate to others by observing other people's conversation.

One valid but slightly generalized observation I have made is that youths nowadays simply do not like to devote themselves wholeheartedly to the person they are having dinner with or spending time with. With the advent of all the cool gadgets and items exclusive for the people who can afford, undivided attention seems to have plunged to an old time low.

I have grown to cherish the people that I spend time with. Bearing the positive mindset that people would rather spend that extra one minute of time with you than tending to other issues, it somehow makes me happy. Especially the people that puts a smile on my face. No amount of cool gadgets would be able to substitute that.

Many thoughts raced through my mind during this one hour midnight jog trying to figure out how life would be like without you. Came to a conclusion that there is none like you and there will never be anyone like you.

If there is one thing that I ask for in life, I would like to be more courageous.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
WHen the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit
Rest if you must, but don't you quite.
Life is queer with its twists and its turns,
As every one o us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about
When they might have won, had they stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
You may succeed with another blow.
OFten the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
It's when things seem worst that you musn't quit.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, I will try again tomorrow.

I don't like to be taken for granted.

Psalms 143:7-8
Answer me quickly, O LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I lift up my soul.


A day feels like eternity, with moments of glaring into nothingness, hopes of acquiring things that offer instant yet temporal gratification. I have come to realize that there is a time for everything to take place. A time to associate and a time to dissociate. A time to fall in love and a time for shattered hearts. A time to bear the thunderstorms and a time to rejoice at the sight of the rainbow. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Time however eludes our grasp with tarnished dreams, skewed visions, broken hearts. It seems impossible to justify the promises lay down by the Son of Man. Our efforts sowed does not commensurate with the rewards reaped. But as I looked at the cross, I began to comprehend. That all the world's a stage. And we are living for the audience of one. This I started the realization, that nothing else really matters, for it is my relationship with God that truly counts.

Today's discipleship bible studies was truly mind-blowing. It left me thinking about how I view life and people. From now onwards, you shall be the potter and I shall be the clay. I shall be moulded and tested and refined and cooled till I become like you. I ask God for everything to enjoy life, but God answered "no", I shall give you life to enjoy everything. How apt is it!

She's just not that into you.

Had the most tiring weekend in my entire life. Yet I'm glad all these experiences during the past three days drew me closer to the house of God and to some people whom I rarely communicate with. The Ubin trip was definitely something that is worth more than the 13 bucks fare plus bicycle rental that we paid for. This is what a true Christian's life is about. To be rooted into God's family and to be a vessel of love to others. The anniversary dinner and the events and food lined out can be comparable to the term impeccable because it also brought us much closer as a family and treasure each other more. I really wanna thank God for people who prayed for my leg's recovery so that I can complete my Army Half marathon successfully. Despite the lack of sleep resulting in a deprivation of energy as well as an injured leg, I managed to complete in 1:43:41. (Although shy of my expected 1:30:00) But I can proudly declare that God is faithful, when we call out to Him, He will answer us and provide the solution for any difficult circumstance in life. For now, I shall not be anxious about anything but with prayer and petition, I will present my specific request to God, who will then grant me during his appointed time. :)

I can't even muster the courage to smile and think positively anymore.

The larger the circle of light becomes, the greater the perimeter of darkness around it.

As I was praying, God gave me a verse. James 1:22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.

It makes me no different from the world if I'm able to achieve what others expect of me. But being a Christian means that I have a Saviour who has already given me the victories and breakthroughs that I need in this lifetime to achieve something even greater than what I can imagine. If the word says that I am suppose to be the head and not the tail in every aspect of my life, who is able to tell me that I am suppose to be otherwise.If the word tells me to run in such a way that I may obtain the crown, who is to say that I am unable to obtain it.

Today I'm leaving all my troubles behind. I know that this emotional barrier is incapacitating my abilities to go all out for Christ. If it is not your will for it to be taken away, then let me overcome it. I know that this is just the start of your many great plans for me in this lifetime. Give me the provision to realize this vision. I'm trusting and thanking you for the start of something new.

It's hard to maintain this positive demeanour all the time.

We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesnt diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives.

The small sharing session today kind of set me thinking about it. Am i being foolhardy to rush into it. People tend to say that everyone who goes through that process will eventually end up even more sunken. But I'm no neophyte in this area, I know it is within my capability.

:(

10th grade

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.

Some emotions tend to be beyond our control. The more we think we can hold it in the half-clutch position waiting for the right moment to begin moving on, the more our engine will experience stalling. But through it all, I know my Lord is faithful, for he reminds me continually in 1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety upon Him for He cares for you." This assurance means more than anything to me.

Memories..

As i was peering through the stockpile of photos in the container box, a surge of nostalgia hit me like a tsunami. The figures shown in the photo seem to be animated and replaying what took place during that certain event in which the photo was taken.

Out of all the photos, 1 of them remain visibly etched in my mind like a virus refusing to leave its host cell. It was a photo of my dad and mum carrying me as i lurged forward to blow off the flames from the candles on my birthday cake. My jubilance and their cloud nine mood seem to have illuminated the somewhat dark lightings shown in the photo. That day was 17th October 1993 which happened to be my 3 year old birthday. Approximately 17 years have passed since that photo was taken. The myriad of events that has taken place throughout this seemingly short 17 years can be compiled into a giant encyclopedia with pages numbering to millions. The thing that struck me was that the older we grow, the more we know and the more we have to think and rationalize and concoct solutions to the problems faced in that particular time and date. If we enforce our obsolete ideals onto the current and everchanging situation, it will create an impasse in our relationship with others. In that picture, my dad was clearly manifesting a curvaceous smile. It was not a fictitious one, but one that is genuine and heartwarming. The feeling of seeing his only son being able to advance through his tender young age despite his existing medical condition.

17 years later, the whips lashed out by the cruelties of life seem to have snatched that smile away from him and from all of our faces. How is it possible that in this short time frame, so many things happened and so many ties and relationships are being strained and tested in this furnace that knows no boundaries.

They claim that blood is thicker than water. But who are we to judge if one favours the water over the blood? Night school, tuition jobs, random hang-outs with friends, cell group, church, recreational activities, long-distance jogging,gyming, all these things seems adequate. Yet the entire puzzle to a fulfiling life could not be solved with a missing jigsaw puzzle. The element of a good family life should be there. But my paranoia seems to be cautioning me time and again to try to add a finishing touch to the conundrum.

Jealousy seem to have propelled itself ahead of many positive attributes that I should have possessed. Why am i acting so covetously, trying to yearn and desire for ties which I'm deprived of. Trying to churn out a utopian world with perfect relationships seem largely infantile. A person approaching his twenties will be mocked at if this were to be made public. But that person though bearing the risk of being labelled a social outcast still bears the hope that one day, there will be this someone who will liberate him from all the pains. And that someone will meet all his needs because He is Jehovah Jireh. (My God, the provider)

Although all this hardships seems real and life-threatening, it is not up to me to question why am i being placed in this situation. But rather pose the question of what does God want me to do to make the most out of this situation. Throughout all the storms and valleys of darkness in my 20 year life journey, I can't help but to exclaim that my God is a faithful God. He is good and He definitely has the best plans for me. Though he may appear to have slayed me yet I will still trust in Him.

What was shared in cell group was clearly apt, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge in and He will set your paths right. All these I have recited from the back of my heart because I hold dear to His promise. I know that one day, and according to his timing, all these will come to pass. Heaven and earth may pass away, but God's word is everlasting.

Merci, Mon seigneur.

Is it really that difficult to culminate in these areas of my life? Do I really have to make a choice between these diverse worlds? Or is it possible to glue this chasm and make this pursuit come to a realisation?

Come on 5 more months to freedom! Gonna find a nice country to explore after that!

Yet in those sufferings, I press on because of the joy that is set before me. For I know that my character is being moulded as i endure the hardships that I am facing everyday. The hope of knowing who I am living for keeps me fighting. I will not stop till I have completed this fight.

Learn to appreciate that someone before it is too late.

Without a vision, you can't be a leader. You need a God-vision, not just a good vision; you need a God-idea, not just a good idea.

Whatever it takes, I will fight till the very last breath.

Sometimes you just need that one person to hear you out and listen to your grievances, but that person doesn't seem to be there, cos no one is able to comprehend how you feel. Where art thou?

God is faithful! I finally got my driving license after God knows how long! There's only 1 formula to success. It is to Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. When the former is met, then we will live no longer by the fear of failure but will be victorious with a life full of faith and power.

Making choices in life is like running a marathon. The initial start up is difficuit. When you have made that decision to set out to accomplish something, do not look back even if the circumstances look wary and uncertain, but look forward and think about how to turn the situation around into an opportunity. During the journey, do not think about how to reach your goal because it may prove too tough to achieve. The motivation should not be the goal ahead but instead out of love, for the sport, for the act or even for the person. When all is said and done, you will be a man of strong character, one that never wavers or shun away from challenges.

Real man shed tears too..

Mother's day is coming. I feel a little jealous but yet contented at the same time.

I claim my driving license, my business admission and my financial breakthrough by faith!

In the time of darkest defeat, victory may be nearest.

It feels so unattainable now, something as distant as that. But I gotta keep trying and keep believing it. The wait is long, but it's gonna build me up if I jus persevere. That sacrifice was not for nothing cos in your sufferings, you pointed a way to me. Time for me to start cracking.

Why am i holding on to some things in my life so tightly as though God will not bless me with a better one in future? I gotta learn to let go.


And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.

Feels terrible to be sick. 14hrs of sleep yet feeling worst than before. Come on body, please recover so that I can run and jump around. :(

Why is it so difficult to get my ideas across? Am i not being lucid enough or am i being too blunt with words? Well, SMU interview today was rather smooth sailing, all except the essay part. Seminar based classrooms are interesting as ideas can be put across easily. But then, I have to curb my fear of speaking in large crowds first.

The difficult part is alr done, what we are doing now is just the simple part. So why are we still not giving in our best?

This week is a good week cos it's only a 2 day work week. It's gonna feel like CNY again. Extremely long weekends. But easter's coming! It will definitely be not just a period of information or entertainment, but a period of transformation!

Our impossibilities are God's opportunities. If God is able to raise Christ from the dead, what makes you think that He is unable to fulfil your dreams?

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.
Colossians 3:23

This is what keeps me going everyday of my life.

Feels good to play full-court bball again. Today's games didnt turn out to be as fun as expected due to the downpour. Suffered a sprained ankle also plus knocked out in the first round of basketball. Captain's ball was relatively easy though. Didn't see any serious competitors that can make my team work at 100 percent.

Anyway thousand apologies for the 2 girls who came but didn't manage to play. :( But lunch plus dessert & macdonalds was fun. I think I should hang out with people younger than me. Makes me feel younger cos I'm beginning to sense the generational gap between the going-to-hit 20 and those pple who are still schooling. haha.

I think I caught Lerae's eating disease. For the whole of tdy, I've been eating and thinking about food non-stop. The only way to stop this addiction is to sleep.Guess I need to start exercising again. Bball or jogging anyone?

Furthermore, I think I wanna aim for CFC. There has been no one of my vocation who got it. But I will be the first! I don't wanna settle for an ordinary transcript on my ORD cert. I want an extraordinary one!

The clock is ticking. I have 267 more days to redeem myself.

Why am i always causing trouble to the people around me. I feel defeated and hopeless. He is right about that. Some people are born to be problem solvers and some people are born to be problem creators. I belong to the latter.

You are defeated if you do not get back on your feet after experiencing a small setback. My body is badly mangled by the impact of this setback, my fingers feel coarse and abrasive trying to push myself against the ground. My mind is spinning topsy turvy while trying to maintain a postive outlook at the impending disaster that is going to befall. My eyes can barely batter an eyelid and look beyond my circumstance after being knocked out in the previous round by the enemy. My lips and parched and torn despite drinking from the fountain filled with water.

How long more must I run this race? Will it end up a defeat or will I be able to touch the finishing line till I reach this fountain of living water? You know me best Lord. You know what is best for me. If it is your will, let it be done.

Here I am Lord, use me.

Do not let this book of law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written on it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.
Jos hua 1:8

There is no easier way to becoming successful except to obey God's Word. :)

Think today's quite an interesting day. First time I got pumped 20 times in my entire military stint! Even a personnel who is excused from push ups. Why? Just because I accidentally called a WO by his name then the SSG claimed that I disrespect the WO. Hmm, this is the start of the many tests that God is giving me. I shall overcome it and forgive the SSG who thinks he is a big shot. Despite my forgiveness, I have no qualms about my hatred for the military way of functioning. Oh well, just my luck.

The decision is so tough to make. Lord guide me through this.

Looking at most of my juniors' results, all the As that they have achieved in their certificate, somehow I developed mixed feelings towards it. Definitely as the older person, I feel proud that they have achieved so many distinctions which will definitely aid their portfolio in applying for universities. However, I do admit that I feel a tinge of jealousy since their results are better than mine.

The Lord at this moment reminded me to get pass the stage of placing achievements and accolades above him. As i looked back at my past, I realised that through the major milestones in my life, it was Jesus who carried me on his blood-stained body reminding me "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you." When life seems to be so meaningless, when our achievements does not match with our expectations, we tend to blame God for failing to bless us or give us directions in life. We live in such a deplorable world, only learning how to take and never learning how to give in life. When was the last time, we cried a prayer of desperation, telling God that all we need is him. That even if God doesn't bless us, we are contented just to be in His presence.

God is Jehovah Jireh, which means "God is a provider". Even as we face crossroads of decisions, bad mistakes or downslopes in life, when God promises to take us to our destination, He will surprise us in many ways that we cannot think of. Who says that all roads does not lead to Rome. With God, as long as we have faith and we believe, no matter how badly situated we are, there is always a way.

Each time we fail, we become a stronger person when we bounce back from our failures. A great person is not one who never fails, but one who tries even harder in order to conquer their fear of failure.

Lord, please give me an idea of how much to tithe for my Arise and Build. I do not want to give out of my abundance but I wanna give an amount that will please you. Just like the widow who gave 2 copper coins, her only possession, so will I want to sacrifice an amount that will make is worthy and befitting of your status. Because a sacrifice is not called one if it isn't painful when the action is being carried out. Help me to find back my first love that I once had. The sheer amount of tears that I once shed when you came into my life and changed me forever.

I feel quite sick today. Having a splitting headache that is blurring my vision into kaleidoscopic images. Hopefully tmrw will be better.

Chingay was such a great event! Made many new friends, discovered alot of things about myself including my ability to put a smile on people's face. LOL. Group 1-1 totally rocks la. Although we are a group that is made up of different ages and different school yet the common goal of doing volunteerism made us quite bonded as a group. These 2 days has been quite fulfiling even though we do not get paid for it. The experience is one that riches cannot buy! I shall write down more about how I felt about the entire event next time. Shall go and take a nap too.

Anyway church sermon was damn good today. One thing I brought home today is the fact that Jesus was never poor during his walk on earth, because If I serve a poor God then I would be stucked in the circle of poverty. But my God is the creator of Heaven and Earth, all the riches of the earth, therefore, we will never be poor when we have Him in our life!

2 Corinthians 8:9
For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sakes He became poor, that you through His poverty might become rich.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39

Too many goals yet equal amount of distractions with limited time. God please help me to stay focus and set my mind towards the goal in which I am called heavenward.

True love happens when we are not looking for it. For now, it will just be me, my basketball and my running shoes. Happy Valentine's Day.

Matthew 18:3-4
And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Been a tiring day today! But group was really fun to be with. Movie was terrible though. Made a bad decision. Next week will be a different week with many people leaving (ORD-ing). Hopefully Chinese New Year won't be too boring.

It feels good to be back in NJ. It feels just good to be able to breathe in air that is not of the military surroundings. The orientation indeed brought back nostalgic memories of the time when I was an OGL. Really miss those days. To be able to enjoy a good game of basketball with the people that I enjoy being with. And to lie down on the field and do nothing except to stare at the open sky and marvel at God's creation. Sometimes leading a simple life can be meaningful as well.

You need to come to God in faith and confidence when you pray. “But what if I don’t feel worthy?” you may ask. You are not blessed because you are good. Rather, you are blessed because God is good. Jesus sympathizes with your many weaknesses and understands the pressures of life that you go through every single day. His throne is a throne of grace, not a throne of judgment. His throne is a throne of giving, and only one attitude is required: an attitude of faith that believes that God is, God can, and that He loves you enough; so much so that, according to His will, He will do it. You serve a good God.

“Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need” (Heb. 4:16).

I've been pondering through for some while about why I wish to take up medicine in university. Some people questioned that motive of mine because to be one, a person has to spend 5 years burying their heads in the midst of endless piles of books, facts and datas. After graduation, they would have to serve another 6 years of bond before they can really make it big in life. By that time, your fellow schoolmates would probably be some of a reputable status in life.

To be able to turn a person's life around through proper medication and procedures carried out by doctors, it really is a huge sacrifice and burden to carry upon their shoulders. Furthermore, your social life with your circle of friends and even close buddies or your family will be compromised since your biological clock will be tampered with by the endless rounds you have to make in the hospitals. What could be worse than not being able to see your loved ones.

Despite all these, my motivations of being one seems to shine brighter amidst all the negativity of this world. Parents objecting to my application to medical school, friends discouraging my intention to apply with the mere reason that my grades were not up to mark, not being able to afford the exorbitant fees of medical school especially those of overseas if I were to pay for my own education.

I'm born with a congential heart disease. A condition doctors termed as "Tetralogy of Fallot," or in short "a hole in the heart." I consider myself to be lucky in order to survive the ordeals of going under the knife. As an infant, I was frail and "unhealthy" since I had to undergo operations after operations, injections after injections, leaving painful marks of scars on my body. Countless tears were shed by me and for me, thinking that I would probably perish even before I would go through the major operation that changed my entire life forever. Frankly speaking, I was considered lucky since there was a child who was suffering the same ailment as me in the opposite ward. God chose to take away the child's life instead of mine for whatever reason which I'm not supposed to know back then. However, after this 19 years of my life, undergoing trials and tribulations , physical and emotional setbacks, elation and sorrow, I have realised why I existed or rather why God allowed me to stay on planet Earth. To be a channel of blessing to others since I myself have been blessed.

Against all odds, I have managed to build a body that is fit and healthy, at least fitter than the majority of the National servicemen. I'm able to run a full marathon, play an entire game of basketball, lift heavy weights or engage in any other intensive activity, and remain as a whole piece. So I would like to thank the Lord for that.

I know that even gaining admission into the medical faculty is not easy. But it is against my nature to give up without trying. Because if I have tired and failed, I would have no regrets. If I do not try, it would probably be something that I would look back and regret for the rest of my life. To be able to save lives and to impact others is my life's mission. The journey is not going to be easy but as the going gets tough, the tough gets going. If I too being weak knows how to dream big and overcome all odds, I believe that nothing is too impossible for you as well.

Philippians 3:13-14
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

True love requires sacrifice. If you like a person really much, you would spend all your fortune just to win her heart. In the same way, if you really love God, you will give all that you can just to be in His presence and let His glory manifest. God is challenging me today to give and sacrifice because when I do so, He will open the floodgates of heaven and pour down so much blessings till it overflows. A common fallacy among man is that when God gives them a little vision or financial blessings, they hold on to it so tight as though they are afraid that God cannot do another miracle.

Today I wanna believe in God in my area of finances, I rather remain poor the rest of my life than to be called an unfaithful servant by Him. But I know that God will never let me remain poor, because when anyone is in Him, He is a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come! No more old vision, no more old dreams, no more goals, no more old wineskin, everything has to be new, and big and greater because our God is not a small God. He is a God who is able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than what we can ask for. I thank you in advance for your promises. Amen!

When God gives us a vision to go, although there may be storms and resistance, His plan will still be fulfilled. In this negative world that we live in, dream-killers often discourage or try to destroy the hopes of those who are daring enough to try. But the Lord says, "Be strong and courageous, put on the armour of God and wield the mighty sword and I will fight with you." Things seem difficult to us because we do not have the ability to achieve it, but with faith, God will make it come to pass. If an old man like Caleb can even slay giants, why can't a fine young man like myself be a conqueror?

Everyone has to deal with failures in one way or another. I'm no exception too. I guess today's really not my day to get it. There's no use mulling over spilled milk because what's done cannot be undone. Despite all my prayers and hard work, it didn't seem to pay off. Sometimes I do feel that I'm like the Job of Singapore, being made to undergo hardships, trials and temptations.

However big the failure may seem to me, I know that God made it happened to humble me so that I can rely on Him more and more. I feel devastated inside but outwardly it is not me to express it out. It's becoming increasingly difficult to bottle out the maelstrom of feelings because if it is released, it would cause disastrous effects on others and impose seemingly far greater negative externality than originally intended. James says in the bible, " Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.”- James 1:2-3 I know that somehow I can last through this failure, I will not let this past failure dictate my performance in future. After all, life can be a sweet dream or a horrible nightmare.

I know that I'm not a perfect person, neither are you, so please do not judge me. My words may be blunt but I mean no harm, it is just me. I know it's bad, but trust me, I'm trying as hard as I can. After all, which transformation takes place overnight?

Trying to integrate and fit in is not easy especially when everyone's background is vastly dissimilar. But I will make it a point to try, even if it means carrying my cross and denying myself.

Humans cannot be created to be devoid of feelings because feelings are what made us human in the first place. However, by gaining mastery of our emotions, we will be able to dispel all thoughts of being a failure. As what Thomas Edison said, I have not failed, I only found a thousand ways that does not work. If he can go through thousands of failures, why can't I go through just one?

Leadership - Not Laws but Liberty
Serving - Not Hierarchy but Heart
Ability - Not self-centred but Spirit- centered
Discipline - Not Legalism but Love
Creativity - Not Fear but Faith
Love - Not Control but Care
Work - Not Duty but Devotion
Attitude - Not getting but giving
Lifestyle - Not Explanation but Example

Results : Not Bondage but Breakthrough!

Chingay Orientation is great today! Was initially nervous about leading a group of people that I barely know coupled with the fact that I'm still learning how to be a leader. Apart from the last minute absentees and drop outs, the attendance for today seems fairly good when compared to other groups in area 1. The icebreaking games and station games are more or less similar to the ones we went through previously except for probably a change in some rules. I enjoyed the company of my group members much to the chagrin of other group leaders who apparently had some members who are rather defiant. Nevertheless, I can declare that today's sessions was pretty smooth sailing. I would also like to thank my deputy leaders for helping out in bonding the group. A group is as good as its weakest link. Therefore, everyone plays an indispensable role in this upcoming Chingay. I guess my goal for this Chingay is to lead the people to believe that the have the ability to do things that they previously thought was impossible. I believe that when I learn to trust in my Lord in these small areas, He will definitely entrust me with greater roles in future.

Looking forward to church service tomorrow. Been a rather tiring week. Another week of torment to go, but hardships make me rely on Him more. Traffic police test and oral presentation. Will definitely take a toil on me. But every week I will be stronger than the previous week because I know that my faith is increasing. If my God says that I'm strong, who can disprove it?

I willl trust in the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. I know that I can make it to Medical school no matter how impossible it may sound.

Whoever who sows sparingly will reap sparingly, but whoever sows abundantly will reap abundantly. I know that my sacrifices now will not be in vain. Because there is a meaning behind all these things that I'm doing. I may start small, but I will finish strong.

When God gives you a vision, he will give you provision to see you through as well.

1 Corinthians 13
on Love

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

"If there's a hole in your heart and it is not filled with the Holy Spirit, then all other kinds of evil spirit will try to enter it and gain a manipulative control over your heart. " Therefore, we must resist the devil and he will flee from you.

I'm really tired from doing everything that I'm doing right now, putting on false fronts, pretending to be satisfied when I'm not, encouraging everyone around me when I myself am discouraged. But I know that my flesh is weak but my soul is willing to do. I need to pray more so that my faith level will elevate. I have to stop thinking that I can't, because God speaks of things that has not come to pass as though it has already taken place. I do not have to worry about my future and criticism that put me down because I have found my strength in you. My God is my stronghold and my salvation, whom shall I fear!

I will not walk today's journey with yesterday's faith because everyday is a new beginning for me and a step closer to you. I know that everyday you will give me new faith to continue believing that my dreams are attainable.

Cycling at ECP is actually quite fun. Exploring new routes and places is something that brightens my somewhat mundane lifestyle. The feeling of the breeze on the body is a thoroughly relaxing sensation. It offers a temporary outlet for stress to be channelled away. However, all good things eventually come to an end. It's time to fall back into earth and relive this life of mine. Because I believe that with my pair of hands and legs, I'm able to carve out a bright future ahead. But I can't do it alone. Help me to depend and rely more and more of you and less of me.

It's the first day of the new year and I'm feeling the tension already. I feel that I'm being tested in many ways in a mere one day. I know I can rise up to the occasion. But somehow the spirit is willing but the body is weak. I know I gotta summon the courage to pray, to face you and hold my life accountable to you. Matters that I have previously overcomed seems to be flooding back into my life. I feel like a failure in many ways but I know that you gave me weaknesses to humble me. I might not be able to fully comprehend what plans you have installed for me, but wherever you tell me to go, I will go.

2 Corinthians 12:8 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weaknesses" Therefore I wil boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.