As I was praying, God gave me a verse. James 1:22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
It makes me no different from the world if I'm able to achieve what others expect of me. But being a Christian means that I have a Saviour who has already given me the victories and breakthroughs that I need in this lifetime to achieve something even greater than what I can imagine. If the word says that I am suppose to be the head and not the tail in every aspect of my life, who is able to tell me that I am suppose to be otherwise.If the word tells me to run in such a way that I may obtain the crown, who is to say that I am unable to obtain it.
Today I'm leaving all my troubles behind. I know that this emotional barrier is incapacitating my abilities to go all out for Christ. If it is not your will for it to be taken away, then let me overcome it. I know that this is just the start of your many great plans for me in this lifetime. Give me the provision to realize this vision. I'm trusting and thanking you for the start of something new.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesnt diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
:(
10th grade
As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.
As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Senior year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Graduation Day
A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
A Few Years Later
Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.
Funeral
Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Some emotions tend to be beyond our control. The more we think we can hold it in the half-clutch position waiting for the right moment to begin moving on, the more our engine will experience stalling. But through it all, I know my Lord is faithful, for he reminds me continually in 1 Peter 5:7, "Cast all your anxiety upon Him for He cares for you." This assurance means more than anything to me.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Memories..
As i was peering through the stockpile of photos in the container box, a surge of nostalgia hit me like a tsunami. The figures shown in the photo seem to be animated and replaying what took place during that certain event in which the photo was taken.
Out of all the photos, 1 of them remain visibly etched in my mind like a virus refusing to leave its host cell. It was a photo of my dad and mum carrying me as i lurged forward to blow off the flames from the candles on my birthday cake. My jubilance and their cloud nine mood seem to have illuminated the somewhat dark lightings shown in the photo. That day was 17th October 1993 which happened to be my 3 year old birthday. Approximately 17 years have passed since that photo was taken. The myriad of events that has taken place throughout this seemingly short 17 years can be compiled into a giant encyclopedia with pages numbering to millions. The thing that struck me was that the older we grow, the more we know and the more we have to think and rationalize and concoct solutions to the problems faced in that particular time and date. If we enforce our obsolete ideals onto the current and everchanging situation, it will create an impasse in our relationship with others. In that picture, my dad was clearly manifesting a curvaceous smile. It was not a fictitious one, but one that is genuine and heartwarming. The feeling of seeing his only son being able to advance through his tender young age despite his existing medical condition.
17 years later, the whips lashed out by the cruelties of life seem to have snatched that smile away from him and from all of our faces. How is it possible that in this short time frame, so many things happened and so many ties and relationships are being strained and tested in this furnace that knows no boundaries.
They claim that blood is thicker than water. But who are we to judge if one favours the water over the blood? Night school, tuition jobs, random hang-outs with friends, cell group, church, recreational activities, long-distance jogging,gyming, all these things seems adequate. Yet the entire puzzle to a fulfiling life could not be solved with a missing jigsaw puzzle. The element of a good family life should be there. But my paranoia seems to be cautioning me time and again to try to add a finishing touch to the conundrum.
Jealousy seem to have propelled itself ahead of many positive attributes that I should have possessed. Why am i acting so covetously, trying to yearn and desire for ties which I'm deprived of. Trying to churn out a utopian world with perfect relationships seem largely infantile. A person approaching his twenties will be mocked at if this were to be made public. But that person though bearing the risk of being labelled a social outcast still bears the hope that one day, there will be this someone who will liberate him from all the pains. And that someone will meet all his needs because He is Jehovah Jireh. (My God, the provider)
Although all this hardships seems real and life-threatening, it is not up to me to question why am i being placed in this situation. But rather pose the question of what does God want me to do to make the most out of this situation. Throughout all the storms and valleys of darkness in my 20 year life journey, I can't help but to exclaim that my God is a faithful God. He is good and He definitely has the best plans for me. Though he may appear to have slayed me yet I will still trust in Him.
What was shared in cell group was clearly apt, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge in and He will set your paths right. All these I have recited from the back of my heart because I hold dear to His promise. I know that one day, and according to his timing, all these will come to pass. Heaven and earth may pass away, but God's word is everlasting.
Merci, Mon seigneur.
Out of all the photos, 1 of them remain visibly etched in my mind like a virus refusing to leave its host cell. It was a photo of my dad and mum carrying me as i lurged forward to blow off the flames from the candles on my birthday cake. My jubilance and their cloud nine mood seem to have illuminated the somewhat dark lightings shown in the photo. That day was 17th October 1993 which happened to be my 3 year old birthday. Approximately 17 years have passed since that photo was taken. The myriad of events that has taken place throughout this seemingly short 17 years can be compiled into a giant encyclopedia with pages numbering to millions. The thing that struck me was that the older we grow, the more we know and the more we have to think and rationalize and concoct solutions to the problems faced in that particular time and date. If we enforce our obsolete ideals onto the current and everchanging situation, it will create an impasse in our relationship with others. In that picture, my dad was clearly manifesting a curvaceous smile. It was not a fictitious one, but one that is genuine and heartwarming. The feeling of seeing his only son being able to advance through his tender young age despite his existing medical condition.
17 years later, the whips lashed out by the cruelties of life seem to have snatched that smile away from him and from all of our faces. How is it possible that in this short time frame, so many things happened and so many ties and relationships are being strained and tested in this furnace that knows no boundaries.
They claim that blood is thicker than water. But who are we to judge if one favours the water over the blood? Night school, tuition jobs, random hang-outs with friends, cell group, church, recreational activities, long-distance jogging,gyming, all these things seems adequate. Yet the entire puzzle to a fulfiling life could not be solved with a missing jigsaw puzzle. The element of a good family life should be there. But my paranoia seems to be cautioning me time and again to try to add a finishing touch to the conundrum.
Jealousy seem to have propelled itself ahead of many positive attributes that I should have possessed. Why am i acting so covetously, trying to yearn and desire for ties which I'm deprived of. Trying to churn out a utopian world with perfect relationships seem largely infantile. A person approaching his twenties will be mocked at if this were to be made public. But that person though bearing the risk of being labelled a social outcast still bears the hope that one day, there will be this someone who will liberate him from all the pains. And that someone will meet all his needs because He is Jehovah Jireh. (My God, the provider)
Although all this hardships seems real and life-threatening, it is not up to me to question why am i being placed in this situation. But rather pose the question of what does God want me to do to make the most out of this situation. Throughout all the storms and valleys of darkness in my 20 year life journey, I can't help but to exclaim that my God is a faithful God. He is good and He definitely has the best plans for me. Though he may appear to have slayed me yet I will still trust in Him.
What was shared in cell group was clearly apt, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge in and He will set your paths right. All these I have recited from the back of my heart because I hold dear to His promise. I know that one day, and according to his timing, all these will come to pass. Heaven and earth may pass away, but God's word is everlasting.
Merci, Mon seigneur.
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